You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet!

Volvo Chronicles: Part MCXXV

You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet!

Saturday: Drama Party, enough said.

It's Still Rock and Roll to Me

Sunday: First Rehearsal for Getting Out. I portray The Doctor.

Under Pressure

Monday: I arrived to school a little later then expected. If you are familiar with the UP campus and parking lots you will know that the general parking is in the center of the campus between the pilot house and the Chiles Center, and that is where I usually park. Well with the new semester my classes have changed and my Spanish class which was in the BC has moved to Waldshmit Hall, which is on the complete opposite end of campus then the Chiles center. Unfortunately at 9:15 in the morning the only open spots in the main parking lot are next to the Chiles center. So I scowered out a different parking lot. I parked against a curb that was painted green. Now green is usually the color of "go" or "okay" or "general parking," hell my parking sticker that says general parking is green. So I park right outside Waldshmit in the green zone. I come out from class and debate whether to move my car to the other parking lot now that there is open space. I decide not to, and go to my next class. Well i come out of my second class to exchange books at my car and their is a fucking TICKET on my windshield! Supposedly the green zone is for carpool only, however there are no signs or painted labels in the green zone indicating that it is a carpool area like they mark the other parking lots. Stupid officer 111.

Only The Good Die Young

Thursday: This morning I woke up plenty early because I had accidentally slept in Tuesday and missed thirty minutes of Philosophy. Well I wasn't going to let that happen again. I walk down to my beautiful little Volvo. And I turn the ignition...dead...bitch. My thought process: "Gawd Damn it! What the hell? All the lights are off, no door was open, no warning lights, what the Phuck! Damn it. Oh that’s a cute kitty. Damn, sometimes I wish I had super powers. Okay well I better call mom and see if she can come and jump the Volvo." So my mom comes and jumps me, and the car starts...slowly. everything is slow and unless I kept my foot on the accelerator it was going to die again. So I pulled it into the driveway, and called my dad to see if he had any suggestions; should I drive to school and risk getting stranded on I5, I would prefer not to. I tested the lights, and when i turned them on the car just died, dead, as in it is no longer alive. I hooked it up to the battery charger, and so now its charging outside the garage. So i missed my Philosophy class completely and am stuck at home for until I can fix it or one of my parents get home and lend me their car. Shit.

Hey! You! Get Offa My Cloud!

Core Beliefs of Universal Humanism

Before our universe was created there existed a dominate species in the universe, this species was Humanity. Our belief is that Humans evolved on a planet, much like our own, in a Universe nearly identical to our own. Humanity evolved on a planet revolving around a standard star, and progressed in intelligence much in the same fashion as we have. Their technological advancement was so rapid that they began to colonize space soon after being launched into it. Over the millennia humanity spread itself across the stars and colonized planets, moons, and sometimes entire planetary systems. Although the technology did not always advance, they continued to spread. After millions of years they were beyond the borders of their known galaxy and attempting to reach into other neighboring galaxies. They met no one along their way, they realized they were alone in the universe.

They sought other life, something that proved that they were not alone in the universe, but found none. After exploring the whole of the Universe throughout billions of years, Humanity became board and even more lonely. They concluded that the only way to create new, unique, and natural forms of life was to begin all over again. They created a Genesis Device and detonated it at the core of the universe. This “big bang” echoed to the edges of the ever expanding Universe and then it began to collapse upon itself, killing all of humanity.

The Universe was destroyed and condensed into nothingness, debris was thrown together and consolidated to the size of a single electron, which contained the coded signature for a new universe. It then caused another big bang and this time exploded outward spilling it’s signature for the creation of a new universe and new life. Because the humans had been throughout the entire universe at the time of the first big bang their genetic signatures were stored alongside the planets that they inhabited. Out belief is that a new form of humanity was born again in the relative locations of all the planets, and systems that were colonized. Because each planet was different however, the genetics of each human species will vary slightly in order to adapt to the environment of the planet. We are no longer alone in the universe, we have trillions of brothers and sisters, spread from every part of the known and unknown universe.

It it is theorized that the reverse story was the cause of the destruction of the pre-ancient universe, and the creation of the former one: meaning that there were so many different species that they felt compelled to simplify the universe and thus create only the one standard of humanity. This exsistance is a continuous timeless cycle that we as humans are trapped in.

CORE BELIEFS OF PIX-FAIRIANISM

When each of us are born, a fairy is also born. They are born simultaneously with human so that they are able to counter-balance the human population affectively. Each Fairy is unique and like it’s human counterpart “special.” What I am trying to say is that each fairy has unique powers. Now these powers are not to be confused with magic. For Magic—as we all know—does not exist. No, Fairies are given something different, something much like the human spirit but rather then being contained on the inside, locked up and becoming the drive for the physical body to express a fairy’s spirit is much more complex. A fairy’s spirit is outwardly expressed, opposed to a human’s inwardly expressed soul. This is what gives the fairies their light luminescent glow. Now their powers range from inherently evil to inherently good. This range is determined by their human counterpart (although they would argue that the human soul is determined by the fairy’s spirit). For each positive force there is a negative force, this is a universal truth and there for it must also be true in life. If the human being is an evil person such as Adolph Hitler or Barbra Streisand their fairy counterpart is extremely good natured and caring. However if the human is Good-beyond-all-belief then the fairy is a ill-tempered fiery disaster.

During Prehistoric times, long before Jesus, Moses, or Abraham there was an evil human civilization near Mesopotamia, These people were so inherently evil that their good fairy counterparts were unable to live alongside them. They decided to destroy them all. This (in Fairy lore) was called “The Great Enlightenment.” It was considered an enlightenment because in the attempt to purge the earth of evil, they themselves became evil (for killing is evil). In turn, by Natural Law the evil humans were now forced to change for the better and become good, for their fairy counterparts had become evil. But by then it was too late and the evil fairies had drowned the good humans in an attempt to cleanse the earth. The death of the humans, however, led to their deaths as well, for there was no longer an opposite force to keep them balanced and they all perished. Luckily some guy in a boat had saved a few bugs and turtles and was able to repopulate earth through inbreeding. And thus the fairies lived.

In the year 74002476434209809434 S.F.D. (Standard Fairy Dating) or 1964 A.D. A Fairy by the name of Pix Pic-Pickity had a revolutionary idea. The Fairy population would cut themselves off from human society. This was not widely accepted throught the fairy world. Many feared they would cause the deaths of countless humans not to mention fairies. Others were afraid that this move would destroy the fairy economy and inflate the currency. However the fairy governments rallied around Pix Pic-Pickity and they devised a plan. They would kidnap the President of St. Kitts & Nivis ( a small Caribbean nation) and hold him hostage until the humans around the world would release all Fairy hostages and destroy all information pertaining to fairies. This plan failed miserably. So the had to do it themselves.

Using their small size, they infiltrated government buildings and libraries, where they systematically began destroying all fairy information. Pix Pic-Pickity founded an elite fairy force that became known as “The Pixies” (creating the derogatory name for fairies) They were the ones that led the French Pixy Revolution of 1971 and freed over seven thousand fairy prisoners. The Fairies then relocated to Greenland where they stay in hiding to this day. Because they still exist they are able to keep the fragile balance between Human and Fairy intact, but most refuse interaction. This has resulted in the evil fairies leaving Greenland and tormenting unwilling humans, such as myself. Over the decades the fairies have been slowly forgotten and they leave a peaceful existence. This is why they have recently began attacking humans in the last few weeks, because the Government of St. Kitts & Nivis have finally retaliated against the fairies sending nuclear missiles into Greenland. The UN has refused to take action because, and I quote, “The Fairy Government of Greenland has refused to offer aid in the past…and after all they are not human.” In retaliation the Pixy Army has invaded St. Kitts & Nivis and killed nearly 75% of its population. We are facing a time of crisis, and we must act, if not for ourselves then for the turtles!

French Kissing, German Licking, and Swedish Cars

Part One- Volvo Chronicles: Episode MCXXIV

So I took the Volvo in to the shop the week before Christmas…finally. There were a few problems with my Burgundy 1980 Volvo 440 DL. First the Dash lights were lighting up all over the place, so every time I started up the car it would flash “BRAKE FAILURE” and everyone in the car would scream as I played along and we all screamed “no brakes, no brakes!” But then I explained that there is a short in the wiring system and there was nothing to be afraid of, and everything would calm down, until they realized what I had said and started screaming “There’s a short in the system! There’s a short in the system!”

Right. So the second problem was that I was missing my tailpipe (exhaust pipe), actually it wasn’t really MISSING it per say, rather it was sitting in the trunk of my car, being that it was no longer attached to the muffler. For anyone who does not remember, last year on my way to school I hit a bump and my tailpipe went sailing off into the dark abyss which was your mom, no, …which was a white Toyota. Therefore I was forced to pull over and retrieve it from the middle of the Toyota’s windshield, no, …from the side of the street where I had to cross Elvis’ DEAD BODY, no, …where I had to cross three lanes of traffic. Anyhow Ms. Shanahan was not to pleased about me being late again and tried to give me a JUG (detention) but told her about the broken tailpipe, and she said, “well I’ve never heard that one before.” So if you’re trying to explain why your late, I’m pretty sure that one will buy her off at least two more times.

Anyhow back to my real story; The other thing that was busted was the transmission, yes that would be a major problem. The car was skipping when it tried to shift from a dead stop and then would stall. Bitch. So Mr. Hortenagle explained to me that if the transmission was out there was nothing he could do short of 1200 dollars, which is probably more then what the car is worth. Fortunately he flushed the system and replaced all the fluids and the baby works like a charm. BUT there was a price to pay, 407 of them. Also he was unable to fix the temperature gauge so I won’t know if the car is overheating until I see the FLAMES coming out of my hood. Unfortunately he was also unable to fix or even locate the problem of why so many hot SEXY women want to take a ride with me all the time, and by ride I don’t mean in the car, unless you’re kinky like that.