Back in my old habits...damn!

For all of those who loved my adventures with my 1980 volvo; you get the next chapter in humiliating events.

Monday-First day of school, I am nearly late to class, I run out of my car and barely make it on time. I have three back to back classes starting at 8:10am and run to 11:15am. I come out to put my books in my car and then go to lunch and my lights were left on, thus draining my battery (yes again)! I have a night Theology class that starts at 6:15pm and runs to 9:55 so I get out and my battery is--of cource--dead. I walk over to public saftey and get the battery recharger and haul it back to the other end of campus, nearly electricute myself and then go and reclaim my ID card (because they took it).

Tuesday- I get to school pleanty early and with a freshly recharged battery, make sure to turn off my lights and proceed into "The Cove." I am there for a very long time so I decide to get some food for lunch. I realize that "The Cove" does not have a dollar menu and so I decide to check out this other eating place that people go to; "The Commons." I get there and there is no line so I just walk in. This lady yells at me and says, "Stop!" She asks for my ID card and I give it to her thinking it is going to be a routine check. Then she sypes it and surprise, nothing happens, she then says to me, "Go in and eat and THIS will be waiting for you in the office." I'm like, "okay?" and then she pushes me in. So I find out there are no prices and everything is free (if you can call paying tuition and taking out loans free). Then I go in a claim my card still not knowing what is going on. And I just take it and walk away after the lady announces that, "If it's on the desk you are already 'taken care of'." GULP!

Wendsday- I get to school really early and have time to nibble on a half-sandwich. I then get out of the car, lock it, do my regular check; keys, wallet, backpack,phone. Check I shut the door. I reach in my pocket and realize what I thought was my keys was actually a crmpled up piece of paper. I was so concentrated on the wonderful Peanut butter and Jelly sandwich that I forgot to take the keys out of the ignition! (Here is where the "damn" part of the title is). I call my dad and he is able to get off work and come unlock it for me. Thank God I stayed in Portland! He was actually happy that I did it because it gave him a reason to miss work. Like father, like son.

P.S. Did I tell anyone I saw bunnies in the Quad?

P.P.S One of the Girl's dorms, had a rape and murder happen like 10 years ago, so now it is like a friggin prison in there. You can only go up using the elevators, not the stairs. But you can go down both ways, but if you prop a door open anywhere there is a heavy fine. Because that is how this guy got in and killed this girl. Horrible! But other then that UP is prit-T cool.

Dead Bunnies

So I am on campus right now, testing the wireless access (The room I am in has partial access). I was walking through the Academic Quad and I saw two bunnies feasting on the grass. It was awsome. We have rabbits on campus. I didn't want to pet them because Ken and Misha taught me never to pet wild animals, for the could have rabies (Mr. Massey's First Period Health Class). Unfortunatly Ken and Misha never gave me the rabies certification pass, so I don't have to listen to them. So I went over to the Rabbits and started petting them. Then some wild poacher dressed in cameo and caring an M-16 emerges from the bushes, and shoots both the rabbits. At first I thought it might be one of the Army ROTC's that we have on campus that guard the WWII Memorial (don't ask me why), but the large gun and the fact that he killed two bunnies kind gave it away that he was in fact an escaped mental patient from the nearby mental health institution suffering from acute HGP and Fried-Egg syndrom. Using my mad Encounter Leader Skills I was able to coax him into sleep by using a soft lullabye, that I had for some reason remembered from my time in Kennya Africa and the natives were feasiting on the bodies of my fellow explorers. It Goes a little something like this:

I don't wanna close my eyes,
I don't wanna fall asleep,
Cause I miss you Baby,
and I don't wanna miss a thing.

After the insane guy fell asleep, I called the Public Saftey office (that I had conviently put on my cell phone the night before) and explained the situation to them. The sent one of their tazor-armed bisiclists to assist me in pushing the poacher off the bluff into the rocky water bellow. Then I headed over to the St. Mary's Lounge to test the internet and that is where I am now. Hey look on the bright side at least I got to keep the gun.

P.S. We kicked Stanfords Butt last night in Womens soccer (3-0). We are ranked 2nd in the nation, But I have never seen playing like that sense the World Cup was in Portland! It puts our team to shame Ben.

It’s Called Darwinism…

A short epic of August 4, 2005

Preface: You know how squirrels always seem to have a death wish? How they always double back when you least expect? Well this is my tale, a tale of excitement and frustration, of laughter and of sadness. This is the tale of my first blood-thirsty murder which, surprising enough, it has nothing to do with squirrels, or blowing up any whales.

Setting: 1980 Volvo 500 DL
SE 42nd Ave.
Approximately 1:30 PM

Chapter One: Lunch

I had just finished lunch. Taco Del Mar, which means “Taco of the Sea” in Spanish. Ironically I had just consumed a Chicken burrito bringing shame to the fish-taco-gods everywhere. If Mr. Del Mar had seen me he would have been ashamed. That is if he even existed, the lazy fool. I was on my way home from my mothers place of employment when the traumatic event occurred. Nothing could have prepared me for what lay ahead.

Chapter Two: Stupid Bird

As I turned my clunky old Volvo onto 42nd Ave I saw something that brought both fear and excitement into my life. Two pigeons were enjoying a feast of some sort when my vehicle approached. Never had I been so determined. Well Perhaps with exception of that one time when I was determined to catch a duck on the pond. So enamored with catching that duck I was, that I hurled my body into the air, off of my glistening yellow flotation device that many refur to as a raft. I hit the water with a new found motivation. I swam until exausted which seemed like hours. In fact it was about thirty seconds when I discovered that the duck was far to fast for the likes of me. Facing defeat, I returned to my raft and pursued the water foul until exhausted. I apologize, you must forgive me, for I tend to distract easily. I had just spotted the pigeon, when my heart fluttered. It happened all so fast I could not tell the feathers from the road. It was as if I had escaped to a world where air was made of down and the air we breath is a toxin to the peaceful creatures who dwell there.

Chapter Three: Death…Not so far away indeed.

I had turned the corner, the pigeon in sight. One, the intelligent one, stumbled then took flight. But the other, that poor unfortunate doomed soul, did not. He simply hopped there innocently. As my car approached he made no attempt to escape his destiny. I continued to say my prayers, “fly, fly!” But unanswered they were. The car straddled the defenseless bird, as he was consumed by the underbelly of the monstrous red beast that was my Volvo.

Chapter Four: The Final Fight

As the creature disappeared from my line of sight, my sister began to scream. She seemed very discontent. Perhaps she was suffering from Post-Tramatic Stress Disorder. As I glanced to see if our victim had lived, I met with a blank stare of the empty road. My sister franticly searched behind us for signs of the pigeon. She found none. It could only be concluded that the creature was still beneath us. But moments before I could pull aside, I saw a large plum of feathers emerge from behind the vehicle. Followed by a vibrating mess. It flapped and struggled into the air, but failed after reaching two feet in height, falling effortlessly to the ground. He struggled to survive, shaking in vain, but not even I could help him now.

Chapter Five: Rationalization

It occurred to me that I had actually done pigeon-kind a favor by destroying this individual’s life. Who would in their right mind want the offspring of a creature so stupid, so as not to move out of the way of a moving vehicle. I am simply continuing the way of life that has existed for millennia and perhaps longer, that only the strongest and brightest will survive. As human beings we are obligated to enforce the law of survival. And as human beings we have been able to find ways around such laws. Through our technology, we are no longer subject to natural laws. The pigeons are responsible for their own incompetence. If they wanted to live, then they should have evolved into a smarter species with the ability to create technology.