French Kissing, German Licking, and Swedish Cars

Part One- Volvo Chronicles: Episode MCXXIV

So I took the Volvo in to the shop the week before Christmas…finally. There were a few problems with my Burgundy 1980 Volvo 440 DL. First the Dash lights were lighting up all over the place, so every time I started up the car it would flash “BRAKE FAILURE” and everyone in the car would scream as I played along and we all screamed “no brakes, no brakes!” But then I explained that there is a short in the wiring system and there was nothing to be afraid of, and everything would calm down, until they realized what I had said and started screaming “There’s a short in the system! There’s a short in the system!”

Right. So the second problem was that I was missing my tailpipe (exhaust pipe), actually it wasn’t really MISSING it per say, rather it was sitting in the trunk of my car, being that it was no longer attached to the muffler. For anyone who does not remember, last year on my way to school I hit a bump and my tailpipe went sailing off into the dark abyss which was your mom, no, …which was a white Toyota. Therefore I was forced to pull over and retrieve it from the middle of the Toyota’s windshield, no, …from the side of the street where I had to cross Elvis’ DEAD BODY, no, …where I had to cross three lanes of traffic. Anyhow Ms. Shanahan was not to pleased about me being late again and tried to give me a JUG (detention) but told her about the broken tailpipe, and she said, “well I’ve never heard that one before.” So if you’re trying to explain why your late, I’m pretty sure that one will buy her off at least two more times.

Anyhow back to my real story; The other thing that was busted was the transmission, yes that would be a major problem. The car was skipping when it tried to shift from a dead stop and then would stall. Bitch. So Mr. Hortenagle explained to me that if the transmission was out there was nothing he could do short of 1200 dollars, which is probably more then what the car is worth. Fortunately he flushed the system and replaced all the fluids and the baby works like a charm. BUT there was a price to pay, 407 of them. Also he was unable to fix the temperature gauge so I won’t know if the car is overheating until I see the FLAMES coming out of my hood. Unfortunately he was also unable to fix or even locate the problem of why so many hot SEXY women want to take a ride with me all the time, and by ride I don’t mean in the car, unless you’re kinky like that.